do you? 9:40pm 1-27-07

Do you realise how much you are thought about, cared for, considered, talked about, hoped for, praised, complimented, longed for, wanted, asked about?
I do!
Do you know this goes on while you sleep, work, relax, drive, watch tv, listen to music, read, doubt that anyone cares, react in disbelief that anyone would, while you eat , drink, dream, wander,pray?
I know!
Do you really know who loves,cares,waites, prays,hopes,dreams about you?
I do!
Why wont you allow me in, allow me to love, be with,touch,hold, care for, protect, praise, allow me to let you be you and allow me to be me?
I do, wont you let me?

been along time

The last 2 months have been so weird. I have learned alot, seen alot, been many places. I have been able to catch up with old friends, and allow new ones closer. My Rocky tasted better, snow looks prettier even though i was driving in it, my angel followed me home. Played face the family x 2 lightning round. Whew think I passed that. I was sweatin it though.
Shopping trip to the "evil w" even seemed fun. Thank God for sparky and clarks and Issacs. Life savers truly life savers. What a good day, Haven't had one in a really loong time. Thaank you Jesus...

been along time

The last 2 months have been so weird. I have learned alot, seen alot, been many places. I have been able to catch up with old friends, and allow new ones closer. My Rocky tasted better, snow looks prettier even though i was driving in it, my angel followed me home. Played face the family x 2 lightning round. Whew think I passed that. I was sweatin it though.
Shopping trip to the "evil w" even seemed fun. Thank God for sparky and clarks and Issacs. Life savers truly life savers. What a good day, Haven't had one in a really loong time. Thaank you Jesus...

after Christmas warm fuzzies

Well here we are 2 days after the offical Christmas Day. I think most fences are mended, atleast one for sure, unsure about the other two. Anyhoo the family minus 1 celebrated the day by going to a buffet over in Lancaster and shopping at Park City. So It'sa start. I also made contact with a couple stray friends. So I feel a bit better. I still wish I had the things I long for and need instead of wishing for them. But I have no control over it. So oh well... life goes on and God will have to hear me moan and complain and try to in everything give thanks, but it's hard and it hurts. Now back to warm fuzzies. bunnies, kittens,peeps....

why I dread and hate the holidays

It used to be that Christmas Eve was a fun time filled with food and family and presents, joy and laughter and fun and peace. The family would gather and eat and watch tv, open presents, take pictures and have fun. Everything was fine till we all grew up and grow old and have significant others. Now itsa matter of whose house we going to and and what time. And well we can't cuz my family is gettin together and we don't have time we have to be here and there and blah blah blah. But hey you can come over to our house. We don't have time to come to your house, we only have time to devote to the significant others family so nope we were not going to spend a Christmas together as a family. Now we have to pack everything up and go elsewhere. And now we throw tradition out for one extended family and it hurts another family member. So now family members are hurt, pissed and it's NOT a merry christmas! It sucks I hate it and I want to go back to the traditional way things were done. But that wont ever happen again. So basically it sucks. life sucks. Especially since all I've ever wanted for Christmas was a husband, child, house, and a happy family. SO much for what I wish for! But Hey Merry Christmas to anyone who reads this. I hope and pray everyone else has had a happy holiday!

Thank you for.....

I want to say thank you to the one who stands with me and prays continually when I ask and probably when I don't ask, in faith believing that I am healed. And believes that I will be who Daddy says I am and not who I see in the mirror.
Thank you to the one who calls back when I call out or ask for help. Thank you to the one who answers my possibly annoying Im's and phone calls. For putting up with my 1,000 questions, my whining.
Thank you for allowing me to drag you willingly and unwillingly to the fair to see the pumpkins, animals and the cute little duckies while getting feathers in their ice cream cone. Sitting in an open air Michael W. Smith concert in a hurricane. Coffee Chats with Rocky @ S&C and Panera's.
Driving my butt where I want to go. Allowing me to go to the high place to let me help bring home the memories from days gone by and allowing me to repack your memories.
Assuring me it is ok and safe hopping flights ahead of schedule, believing our luggage would be there to meet us and not be lost. The much needed parking lot conversations into the early hours of the morning. For being my on call Tech support. I am sure there is much more, and will be more to come. I wanted to start somewhere and try to say thank you and "as you wish". You know who you are :o)

answers to the why blog

I do think I have uncovered some of the answers to the why blog.
Because I have packaged love. I make people bow down to the idols I have made out of love. I try to make people act and believe my blurred vision of love. perhaps my view of love is not the way love looks or is at all. You betchya it's not! My vision and version of love and the packages I have put love into have to be put at the foot of the cross, put on the cross and crucified. So that I can receive Daddy God's TRUE LOVE.
I have watched the movie princess bride now 2 times. There's some kind of signifigance in that. prior to this season I have been very anti-romantic, lovey dovey, ooey gooey love story, fantasy, fairy tale movies, stories and dreams. I've called them propaganda, lies fed to us as children.
hmmm... packages....
"as you wish Daddy, as you wish"

observation

It was a month, a week, a day, specific hours, and finally after certain events, talks, exchanges, glances and objects. Finally somethings changed after that day, those hours, events, talks, glances and objects. Something's different. Can't exactly put my finger on it or wrap my mind around it. Only have been feeling emptiness, lonliness and void. Things have changed...feel different, sound different...hmmm... Now feelings of satisfaction, contentment and belonging.