Wednesday, August 31, 2005

If only... and why don't I?

If only I could just quit my job I would....Sign up for Red Cross training and spend a month in the gulf coast and help make a difference, save lives, feed and clothe people.
If only I made enough money to pay the bills while I was gone.
If only I had enough money to cover my insurance while I was gone.
If only I hadn't signed up for EH.
If only I could just say what the !@#& and just do it!

Why don't I just quit my job.
Why don't I just say what the !@#& and go sign up?!
I want to with every bit of me, I want to...
SO what's stopping me?
My own selfishness? Rational thinking? Fear of not having my bills paid? Fear of not having a job after I come back? What if I don't come back? Or want to come back? How can I persue this which I want to do. That which I am compelled to do.
Where's the money tree? I want money so I can give...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

doors

Much has happened lately while still seemingly falling down this hole. There are doors all around. Choosing which ones to go through or even seeing if the doors can be pushed open, or will they just open on their own?. Hmm ... likely not the latter. Seems effort is the order of business these days. Co-operation is helpful too. Oh to not have so many choices.
Gone are the days of someone else choosing your path. But wait, it is a chosen path. Just not as obviously marked. Perhaps there is good reasoning for that. Doors open, doors close seems to be an endless place of doors.
No numbers, no welcome signs and no knobs either. How curiously strange.

Lots of words spoken, lots of sense made. Reassurance is comforting. Seems to be someone watching and listening. I sense eyes and light. Nice to know someone's there. There's this sense of needing a release I have been feeling especially today. It feels like a storm forming, there's clouds and a whisp of a breeze and a bit of light. I feel the rain it's warm and wet. Small drops, now larger ones... Wait, thats not rain drops, those are tears. Aaah tears. It's like I have been holding my breath and I need to exhale. I have been waiting. Waiting to see the time, except there's no numbers. No addresses, no phones. Only clocks and doors and flasks. A feeling of sensing things but not seeing or being able to catch or hold.
There's a song playing I can hear it.. A song from days long ago, You can look at the menu but you just can't eat, you can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat, you can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim... ah an old anthem...no one ever is to blame...

I see the girl sitting by a pool of water staring longingly as if ignoring the reflection in the mirror... waiting, for something, waiting...... hoping to behold something more. Is she awake? Is she dreaming? I am sure the rabbit is here somewhere, I can bet he's nearby, waiting, for something. Watching. By a pool of water? on a beach by the ocean perhaps?, by a mountain stream.
I have seen pictures lately of the high place, oh how I want to go. I miss the sights, the smells, the feels. I also long for the sand and surf, the tingly air...someday someday soon....

Sunday, August 14, 2005

why?

Why can't one sleep, why wont one sleep, too much negativity on ones mind, why? why does one have love if one is not allowed to give it to the one they love? why does one have to endure watching others have love? why is one not allowed to love the one, one has loved for so long, when others have loved for so short? why does one who is so young have love when one who is so old does not? why? why does no one care? why? why is one here and why is one not? why? why does one have to endure? why?.....?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

humbling

How humbling it is to have someone wash your feet. I went Monday night to have impressions done for my inserts for my sneakers. The Dr. uses a fabric soaked in some kind of plaster mix. Which they let dry and then the assistant comes in and removes the impressions and then washes your feet. The girl seemed about 20ish. I asked "How does it feel to have to wash other peoples feet? She said "I don't mind and then she smiled. Then she said "it's the people with ulcers and sores on their feet that I feel sorry for." She was very sincere and compassionate with her answer. My prayer is that I act and react and answer with sincere compassion. Oh Daddy continue to humble me.